Wednesday, September 30, 2015

And then there was a meltdown..

Under normal circumstances, I would say that having a meltdown in your front yard is really just not the thing to do. However, the circumstances being what they are, perhaps an exception can be made.

I'm not really sure what happened.. Much like the smile the other day, something just came over me. I needed to know if he still thought about me. It was an overwhelming feeling. I can't explain better than that. I just absolutely had to know just how forgotten I'd become. So, I messaged him. Ugh. Mistake. I knew it the moment I hit send. I knew it after 5 minutes without a reply. If he thought of me and wanted to talk, he'd have contacted me... and then something inside of me just exploded. Every feeling I've been trying to refrain from feeling, every emotion I've been trying to hide just came bursting out of me like a hydrant that someone backed over.

I began crying and then full on sobbing and then racing out my front door because it felt like all the oxygen in the house was gone. I cried so hard I couldn't breathe again. I started talking to myself. Telling myself I was going to be ok. Telling myself to stop. Trying whatever I could to just make it stop pouring out of me. But nothing worked. I stared up into the sky, watching the moon and the few clouds. Watching an airplane here and there. And just feeling. Feeling all of it. Everything. All at once.

It fucking sucked.

Since it wasn't stopping I decided to cover my ears. Why? I have no damn idea. I just did. Then all I heard were my sobs, louder, my breathing, louder, my runny nose, louder. All of it just thundered in my head. I started counting. Why? clue. But I kept going. Up to 180. Then, it just...stopped. My breathing was still hitchy but the tears slowed and then just stopped. I blew my nose and wiped my face, caught my breath and tried to discern exactly what had just happened here.

I had just had a legitimate meltdown. An actual, out of control, nothing could stop it, full on, meltdown. I'm honestly not sure when the last time was that that had happened. I mean, usually what I think of as a meltdown was nothing compared to this. This feeling of absolute disarray of my faculties. I will definitely not claim to have had a meltdown from now on though. Not after that. Whoa.

He never did reply. But I think it's for the best. I don't need to know if he still thinks about me. Maybe he does, and maybe it hurts. Or maybe he's already past it and I'm just another thing that happened in his life. I don't know. But one day he will think of me. And he will smile. And one day I will think of him, and I will smile. Because regardless of the pain now, love like that is worth remembering. It's worth smiling about.

And I know it won't always hurt like this. And I know I will eventually be OK. But, in the meantime, no more meltdowns, please. I'm not sure I can do that again and come out relatively unscathed.

Monday, September 28, 2015

The day I smiled by accident

It seems silly, really. To think of smiling as something you need to think about to do. But, hey, let me tell you.. after your heart and every fiber of your being has been shattered straight down to your soul, it is something you have to think about. It's something you have to tell yourself, no, will yourself to do. All throughout the day. Every time everyone around you is smiling, whether you were paying attention or not, you see smiles, you smile. That's how it works. Not if your smile is broken, though. Something in your heart connects directly to something in your brain that reminds your mouth to perk up and be present at random intervals throughout the day. (Oh yes, we're getting scientific here.) Especially when you have children. Children are the epitome of happiness. They are all things pure and good in this world. But, unfortunately, not even children can drag a smile out of a broken smile-making-heart-brain-connector-whatchamacallit that's been disconnected. At least, not for me. Not this time. Nothing can.

Until today.

I'm not sure what changed, to be honest. Maybe nothing. Maybe it's just that time really does heal. Maybe it's just that my face, being so accustomed to smiling always, about anything and everything, was tired of this perma-frown I've been sporting. Or worse, the fake-trying-too-hard-smile that I've donned to at least try to give an appearance of all rightness. That's exhausting. Actually having to tell yourself to smile, and then push those smile muscles up, part those lips.. all of it, just .. it's too much. Anyhow.. I don't know what changed. I don't really even know what happened to cause the smile, if I'm being honest. I was just driving to the Oklahoma Science Museum today with the kids and caught myself smiling. It actually startled me some! And I did, momentarily, try to figure out what crossed my mind or my eye line that may have brought it on. But nothing. I just don't know.

I still cry a lot. Especially when I told my dad what happened. And again when I told my kids why I don't talk to him anymore. Why we can't ask his opinion on Halloween things this year. Why he doesn't want to see their costumes. I gritted my teeth, and explained it to them. As best I could, anyway. That sucked. A lot. A lot a lot. Maybe that's what it was.. knowing that everyone knows now. That it's out there, I shared it, and now no one has to wonder why I keep crying. No one has to wonder why I can't wear a certain outfit or why I don't want to go to certain places right now. No one has to stay perplexed because my eyes start watering up out of the blue and while I keep the tears from falling, everyone can see that they're there, trying to escape.

So, I don't know why I smiled this morning. Maybe I never really will. And that's ok ..

Because today, I smiled. Totally by accident.

Wednesday, September 23, 2015

What we could have been..

We could have been amazing. We could have been so deliriously happy together that no matter the worst hurdles, we'd have overcome them with grace and smiles. Falling into each other and melding like we know we do.

You told me that you know you could have done more in past relationships to try and make them work.. You also told me that this relationship was different. That it was worth it. That no matter what came our way, we, together, would work through it. We would get through it. And we would come out shining. Hand in hand.

But, it got hard, and you gave up. Again. I guess I should have seen it coming.. but I believed you.

And now, I believe that you're done. That this isn't what's best for you. And as much as it hurts, as much as it kills everything inside of me.. I understand.

I hope that you find everything you want. I hope you find the person that makes life easy for you, on you, and with you. I hope that you find your happy.

Now it's time for me to let go and move on and look for mine. It's out there. I know it is. I'll find it. I know I will. I thought it was you, but, hey, I've been known to be wrong a time or two. turns out it wasn't..and that's ok.

Here's to you, my love. My everything. My forever and ever. You'll always have a special place in my heart. I'll never let you go completely. You have set a standard. Thank you for that. For everything. And for letting me go now, instead of later when it could have been much, much worse.

Here's to me. To moving on. To picking up the pieces and becoming stronger and smarter for it.

I've got this.

Tuesday, September 22, 2015

3 is the lucky number, right?

Here we are. Day 3. Things don't feel as awful today. In fact, I painted my toenails today. Bright pink. I also got out of the house and walked to the park. That was a little difficult, I'll admit, but I managed.

I keep having dreams about you. I wish that would stop. It makes the first few moments in the mornings feel like I'm in a free fall. But, I gather myself, fight with the overwhelming feeling of exhaustion from trying not to sleep, to keep the dreams at bay, and I get up.

I'm definitely angry today. And surprisingly, not just at you. I'm angry with myself as well. But I know this will pass. This will pass and I'll move on to the next stage of grief. Unfortunately, I think I'm mixing my grief. I am still dealing with the denial part for sure. I keep telling myself this can't really be happening. Did you really give up? Are you really not showing up at my door with lilies, or pad thai maybe, begging me to forgive you? Are you really not wanting to tell me how badly you screwed up? But, no. You're not. And I need to stop wishing for it. I need to stop dreaming about it. I need to stop thinking it's coming. Denial. Let it go. And now anger. I'm so mad about the situation. I'm so hurt and so annoyed and so just.. Fuck you. While still thinking maybe you still want me too. Yep, I'm a mess. The depression part however..that's the worst. Naturally. I either want to eat everything in reach or starve because I don't want to move.

So yeah. This is happening. But I am dealing. Not great, but I am. And today I feel like tomorrow isn't impossible. I know I've got a ways to go, but, I also know I'll get there.

As long as I stop dreaming. That's just cruel.

Sunday, September 20, 2015

Day 1

It was my first full day without you.. It was definitely as bad as I had expected. The pain came in waves. Like contractions, almost. Giving me a moment or two of rest before slamming back into me full force. I knew today would be bad. I know tomorrow will be, too. I don't expect that it will stop any time soon, unfortunately.

I colored my hair. It felt like something I needed to do. I needed something to occupy my time anyway. It's blue-black and I added one purple streak to the bangs. I think you would have thought it looked cute on me. I like it.

I started on Halloween costumes today, too, but my sewing machine is acting up. I'll mess with it more tomorrow. I'll figure something out.

It rained all day today. That was pretty wonderful. You know how I am about the rain. It really does make everything a little better. Even this. Momentarily.

I know you don't read my blog, but for some reason I feel better pretending that maybe you would. Whatever takes that sting away, even for a moment, is worth it.

It's been a full day now and it was definitely as bad as I thought it would be.

I'm actually terrified that tomorrow is going to be worse. The big kids will go back to school and that will be less distractions for me. It's good though. They don't need to see me fighting back tears all day.

Day 1.

I guess I made it through. That's something.

Saturday, September 19, 2015

I feel so broken..

Everything in me hurts. The numbness hasn't set in yet. I don't know if it will, really. Not this time. Because it's you. Everything about you made me feel alive. Everything about you made every part of me electric. Even when you made me so mad, so hurt, so whatever .. it was always you.

But now it's not. You're gone. We're gone. Everything we talked about wanting. Our future. It's over. It's done. It's gone. You're gone. And every part of me hurts.

I know it won't hurt like this forever.. every day it will get a little easier. Maybe only minutely, but, still, it will get easier. Until one day I am going to be able to wake up and maybe you won't be the first thought in my head. Maybe when I go to bed you won't be the last thing I think of. Maybe I won't see random nothings and think of you.


But right now, I think I might die. I think my world may actually stop spinning. Right now, everything fucking hurts. So bad.

I think you may have actually broken me.

I will put me back together. Eventually. Not today, though. Today I don't even know where to begin.

Monday, September 7, 2015

Please don't grow up..

Dear Children,

Please don't grow up.

It's awful. It's full of heartbreak and responsibility. It's full of sadness and bad attitudes. It's full of bills and never enough money or time in the day. It's full of arguments and fights that you can't win.

Please, I beg you, don't grow up. Stay little as long as you can. Let me help you, hold you, fight your battles for you. Let me worry about everything in life there is to worry about so that you don't have to.

Smile. Love. Help. Forgive. Laugh. Always laugh. Often and boisterously. Find the humor in everything. Especially when it seems to be eluding you. If there isn't humor, then find the good, the kind, the happy. And hold on to it. Hold on to it with those little hands of yours. Wrap those tiny fingers tightly around it and press it against your tiny chests, absorb it into you. The happy, the laughing, the love. The good. Always find the good. It's there.

Yes, even in growing up.

I suppose being a grown up isn't all bad. There's good. You're a big part of it. All of you. The point before the heartbreak.. that's good. That's amazing. The happy times and the happy attitudes. Those are definitely good, no matter your age. Bills, well, they suck no matter what, unfortunately. They will come every month needing paying and it is my sincere hope that you will have no problem in the world paying them. The days will never get any longer and that sucks, too, so put the hours to good use. Say what you need to say when you need to say it. Do what you need to do when it needs doing. And don't just assume that there's always tomorrow, because, my loves, sometimes, there's not.

Shit. I just went dark again, didn't I?

Well, as I was saying. For me, for now, just stay little. Don't grow up. Not yet.

I love you all always,