Wednesday, September 30, 2015

And then there was a meltdown..

Under normal circumstances, I would say that having a meltdown in your front yard is really just not the thing to do. However, the circumstances being what they are, perhaps an exception can be made.

I'm not really sure what happened.. Much like the smile the other day, something just came over me. I needed to know if he still thought about me. It was an overwhelming feeling. I can't explain better than that. I just absolutely had to know just how forgotten I'd become. So, I messaged him. Ugh. Mistake. I knew it the moment I hit send. I knew it after 5 minutes without a reply. If he thought of me and wanted to talk, he'd have contacted me... and then something inside of me just exploded. Every feeling I've been trying to refrain from feeling, every emotion I've been trying to hide just came bursting out of me like a hydrant that someone backed over.

I began crying and then full on sobbing and then racing out my front door because it felt like all the oxygen in the house was gone. I cried so hard I couldn't breathe again. I started talking to myself. Telling myself I was going to be ok. Telling myself to stop. Trying whatever I could to just make it stop pouring out of me. But nothing worked. I stared up into the sky, watching the moon and the few clouds. Watching an airplane here and there. And just feeling. Feeling all of it. Everything. All at once.

It fucking sucked.

Since it wasn't stopping I decided to cover my ears. Why? I have no damn idea. I just did. Then all I heard were my sobs, louder, my breathing, louder, my runny nose, louder. All of it just thundered in my head. I started counting. Why? clue. But I kept going. Up to 180. Then, it just...stopped. My breathing was still hitchy but the tears slowed and then just stopped. I blew my nose and wiped my face, caught my breath and tried to discern exactly what had just happened here.

I had just had a legitimate meltdown. An actual, out of control, nothing could stop it, full on, meltdown. I'm honestly not sure when the last time was that that had happened. I mean, usually what I think of as a meltdown was nothing compared to this. This feeling of absolute disarray of my faculties. I will definitely not claim to have had a meltdown from now on though. Not after that. Whoa.

He never did reply. But I think it's for the best. I don't need to know if he still thinks about me. Maybe he does, and maybe it hurts. Or maybe he's already past it and I'm just another thing that happened in his life. I don't know. But one day he will think of me. And he will smile. And one day I will think of him, and I will smile. Because regardless of the pain now, love like that is worth remembering. It's worth smiling about.

And I know it won't always hurt like this. And I know I will eventually be OK. But, in the meantime, no more meltdowns, please. I'm not sure I can do that again and come out relatively unscathed.

Monday, September 28, 2015

The day I smiled by accident

It seems silly, really. To think of smiling as something you need to think about to do. But, hey, let me tell you.. after your heart and every fiber of your being has been shattered straight down to your soul, it is something you have to think about. It's something you have to tell yourself, no, will yourself to do. All throughout the day. Every time everyone around you is smiling, whether you were paying attention or not, you see smiles, you smile. That's how it works. Not if your smile is broken, though. Something in your heart connects directly to something in your brain that reminds your mouth to perk up and be present at random intervals throughout the day. (Oh yes, we're getting scientific here.) Especially when you have children. Children are the epitome of happiness. They are all things pure and good in this world. But, unfortunately, not even children can drag a smile out of a broken smile-making-heart-brain-connector-whatchamacallit that's been disconnected. At least, not for me. Not this time. Nothing can.

Until today.

I'm not sure what changed, to be honest. Maybe nothing. Maybe it's just that time really does heal. Maybe it's just that my face, being so accustomed to smiling always, about anything and everything, was tired of this perma-frown I've been sporting. Or worse, the fake-trying-too-hard-smile that I've donned to at least try to give an appearance of all rightness. That's exhausting. Actually having to tell yourself to smile, and then push those smile muscles up, part those lips.. all of it, just .. it's too much. Anyhow.. I don't know what changed. I don't really even know what happened to cause the smile, if I'm being honest. I was just driving to the Oklahoma Science Museum today with the kids and caught myself smiling. It actually startled me some! And I did, momentarily, try to figure out what crossed my mind or my eye line that may have brought it on. But nothing. I just don't know.

I still cry a lot. Especially when I told my dad what happened. And again when I told my kids why I don't talk to him anymore. Why we can't ask his opinion on Halloween things this year. Why he doesn't want to see their costumes. I gritted my teeth, and explained it to them. As best I could, anyway. That sucked. A lot. A lot a lot. Maybe that's what it was.. knowing that everyone knows now. That it's out there, I shared it, and now no one has to wonder why I keep crying. No one has to wonder why I can't wear a certain outfit or why I don't want to go to certain places right now. No one has to stay perplexed because my eyes start watering up out of the blue and while I keep the tears from falling, everyone can see that they're there, trying to escape.

So, I don't know why I smiled this morning. Maybe I never really will. And that's ok ..

Because today, I smiled. Totally by accident.

Wednesday, September 23, 2015

What we could have been..

We could have been amazing. We could have been so deliriously happy together that no matter the worst hurdles, we'd have overcome them with grace and smiles. Falling into each other and melding like we know we do.

You told me that you know you could have done more in past relationships to try and make them work.. You also told me that this relationship was different. That it was worth it. That no matter what came our way, we, together, would work through it. We would get through it. And we would come out shining. Hand in hand.

But, it got hard, and you gave up. Again. I guess I should have seen it coming.. but I believed you.

And now, I believe that you're done. That this isn't what's best for you. And as much as it hurts, as much as it kills everything inside of me.. I understand.

I hope that you find everything you want. I hope you find the person that makes life easy for you, on you, and with you. I hope that you find your happy.

Now it's time for me to let go and move on and look for mine. It's out there. I know it is. I'll find it. I know I will. I thought it was you, but, hey, I've been known to be wrong a time or two. turns out it wasn't..and that's ok.

Here's to you, my love. My everything. My forever and ever. You'll always have a special place in my heart. I'll never let you go completely. You have set a standard. Thank you for that. For everything. And for letting me go now, instead of later when it could have been much, much worse.

Here's to me. To moving on. To picking up the pieces and becoming stronger and smarter for it.

I've got this.

Tuesday, September 22, 2015

3 is the lucky number, right?

Here we are. Day 3. Things don't feel as awful today. In fact, I painted my toenails today. Bright pink. I also got out of the house and walked to the park. That was a little difficult, I'll admit, but I managed.

I keep having dreams about you. I wish that would stop. It makes the first few moments in the mornings feel like I'm in a free fall. But, I gather myself, fight with the overwhelming feeling of exhaustion from trying not to sleep, to keep the dreams at bay, and I get up.

I'm definitely angry today. And surprisingly, not just at you. I'm angry with myself as well. But I know this will pass. This will pass and I'll move on to the next stage of grief. Unfortunately, I think I'm mixing my grief. I am still dealing with the denial part for sure. I keep telling myself this can't really be happening. Did you really give up? Are you really not showing up at my door with lilies, or pad thai maybe, begging me to forgive you? Are you really not wanting to tell me how badly you screwed up? But, no. You're not. And I need to stop wishing for it. I need to stop dreaming about it. I need to stop thinking it's coming. Denial. Let it go. And now anger. I'm so mad about the situation. I'm so hurt and so annoyed and so just.. Fuck you. While still thinking maybe you still want me too. Yep, I'm a mess. The depression part however..that's the worst. Naturally. I either want to eat everything in reach or starve because I don't want to move.

So yeah. This is happening. But I am dealing. Not great, but I am. And today I feel like tomorrow isn't impossible. I know I've got a ways to go, but, I also know I'll get there.

As long as I stop dreaming. That's just cruel.

Sunday, September 20, 2015

Day 1

It was my first full day without you.. It was definitely as bad as I had expected. The pain came in waves. Like contractions, almost. Giving me a moment or two of rest before slamming back into me full force. I knew today would be bad. I know tomorrow will be, too. I don't expect that it will stop any time soon, unfortunately.

I colored my hair. It felt like something I needed to do. I needed something to occupy my time anyway. It's blue-black and I added one purple streak to the bangs. I think you would have thought it looked cute on me. I like it.

I started on Halloween costumes today, too, but my sewing machine is acting up. I'll mess with it more tomorrow. I'll figure something out.

It rained all day today. That was pretty wonderful. You know how I am about the rain. It really does make everything a little better. Even this. Momentarily.

I know you don't read my blog, but for some reason I feel better pretending that maybe you would. Whatever takes that sting away, even for a moment, is worth it.

It's been a full day now and it was definitely as bad as I thought it would be.

I'm actually terrified that tomorrow is going to be worse. The big kids will go back to school and that will be less distractions for me. It's good though. They don't need to see me fighting back tears all day.

Day 1.

I guess I made it through. That's something.

Saturday, September 19, 2015

I feel so broken..

Everything in me hurts. The numbness hasn't set in yet. I don't know if it will, really. Not this time. Because it's you. Everything about you made me feel alive. Everything about you made every part of me electric. Even when you made me so mad, so hurt, so whatever .. it was always you.

But now it's not. You're gone. We're gone. Everything we talked about wanting. Our future. It's over. It's done. It's gone. You're gone. And every part of me hurts.

I know it won't hurt like this forever.. every day it will get a little easier. Maybe only minutely, but, still, it will get easier. Until one day I am going to be able to wake up and maybe you won't be the first thought in my head. Maybe when I go to bed you won't be the last thing I think of. Maybe I won't see random nothings and think of you.


But right now, I think I might die. I think my world may actually stop spinning. Right now, everything fucking hurts. So bad.

I think you may have actually broken me.

I will put me back together. Eventually. Not today, though. Today I don't even know where to begin.

Monday, September 7, 2015

Please don't grow up..

Dear Children,

Please don't grow up.

It's awful. It's full of heartbreak and responsibility. It's full of sadness and bad attitudes. It's full of bills and never enough money or time in the day. It's full of arguments and fights that you can't win.

Please, I beg you, don't grow up. Stay little as long as you can. Let me help you, hold you, fight your battles for you. Let me worry about everything in life there is to worry about so that you don't have to.

Smile. Love. Help. Forgive. Laugh. Always laugh. Often and boisterously. Find the humor in everything. Especially when it seems to be eluding you. If there isn't humor, then find the good, the kind, the happy. And hold on to it. Hold on to it with those little hands of yours. Wrap those tiny fingers tightly around it and press it against your tiny chests, absorb it into you. The happy, the laughing, the love. The good. Always find the good. It's there.

Yes, even in growing up.

I suppose being a grown up isn't all bad. There's good. You're a big part of it. All of you. The point before the heartbreak.. that's good. That's amazing. The happy times and the happy attitudes. Those are definitely good, no matter your age. Bills, well, they suck no matter what, unfortunately. They will come every month needing paying and it is my sincere hope that you will have no problem in the world paying them. The days will never get any longer and that sucks, too, so put the hours to good use. Say what you need to say when you need to say it. Do what you need to do when it needs doing. And don't just assume that there's always tomorrow, because, my loves, sometimes, there's not.

Shit. I just went dark again, didn't I?

Well, as I was saying. For me, for now, just stay little. Don't grow up. Not yet.

I love you all always,

Wednesday, August 12, 2015

What About the Good Stuff?

It's so easy to focus on the bad things.. How hard things are, how much things suck, how awful people are, etc. It's easy to want to complain, rant, vent, whatever you want to call it, and let out the crappy feelings, showering other people with your issues. But how often do we stop to do the same with the good stuff? From my experience, not often enough.

Sure, when something absolutely incredible happens - the birth of a baby, engagement or wedding, promotion, so forth - we like to go on about that. Sometimes to the annoyance of those around us, even. Maybe that's why? Because we know that people get annoyed with our good fortune if they're not in the throws of it themselves?

What about the little things though? Getting to sit hand in hand in the movie theater next to the person that means the most to you in the world, or going out to your favorite restaurant with that person, laughing together about the fact that you have only ever ordered the one dish from there. Finding that person that you can talk to about anything, everything, or absolutely nothing, and knowing that while you may not see eye to eye on everything it's ok because you still work just fine together. You balance each other out. Or, getting to snuggle with your oldest child for a few minutes without her pushing you away because she's too old for snuggles with mom now. Watching your youngest run around the house kissing everyone proclaiming that they're her best friend. Listening to your boy singing a song at the top of his lungs and getting most of the words wrong but it sounds so much better this way.

Are we really that petty that we can't be happy for and with other people for their happiness? I don't mean those closest to us, the ones that are family or like family. Usually, yes, we are happy for them. We enjoy hearing of their happy moments and celebrating these things with them without too much thought of, "why couldn't that be me?".

Maybe it's more that we almost enjoy knowing other people are going through shitty situations. Maybe we need to know that it's not just us. We hear that all the time anyway, right? "You're not alone", "You think you have it bad? What about...", "Someone out there is worse off than you", and so forth. I've talked about this pet peeve of mine before. I don't care how shitty my situation is, it doesn't negate the shittiness of yours. And yes, I know mine could be worse, but do I really need it to get worse to appreciate that fact? Absolutely not; And probably, neither do you. Is that what it is though, I wonder? Needing to know we're not alone in our misery? I suppose that saying had to come from somewhere.

Misery Loves Company

Maybe seeing others spread some happy around would help us feel a little less miserable about our own lives. I don't know. Perhaps that's just me. I sure could use some happy, though. I also hope to help others find some happy in theirs from time to time. 

Monday, July 27, 2015

Parenting is hard, yo.

It's time for me to lay down some wisdom once again.

Parenting is hard.

You had no idea of that, I'm sure. It's something you start to hear when you're a kid - usually in the way of, "Wait until you have children!" or "I hope you have three just like you!" etc. At the time you think, "Hell yeah, I'm awesome!" but then you actually have three just like you and all you want to do is apologize for just how "awesome" you were.

Or when you get pregnant for the first time and mixed in with the excitement you see in peoples eyes you see that flash of pity and warning that you try to ignore and chalk up to your own insecurities. Oh no, it wasn't you. It was really there. They were trying to tell you that while this is going to be the most amazing thing you ever do, it's also going to be the hardest.
Then the baby comes all squish and pink and soft and warm.. Oh holy mother, be still my aching ovaries, let's just pop out 20 more of these right fucking now!! If you had your baby in the hospital, it's kind of comforting knowing there is a designated army of nurses, doctors, and other personnel nearby to assist you. Not having a clue what you're doing but knowing that all of these folks do makes you feel like you can do this. But then .. then they start doing things you know you didn't want to do. Like trying to stick a binky in their mouth. What the bloody hell are you doing?! Get that out of my kids face!! Or trying to get you to pop a bottle into their mouth because you're not quite sure what the hell you're doing with your breasts, but you know this is what they're literally made to do. BACK OFF! I'VE GOT THIS! I think. Maybe. Perhaps. Oh God, what am I doing? I'm going to starve my kid at this rate!! -- Wait! I thought I was going to get to bathe the baby! Shit!! I don't know how to bathe a baby!! -- What do you mean the diaper doesn't go on like this? It's covering the parts it's supposed to cover, isn't it? -- How do I put this shirt on her without breaking the tiny little bones she has growing inside of her? -- Baby mittens.. To keep her from gouging her skin off her beautiful face.. Right.. Here, I'll trim her nails. OH.DEAR.GOD.I.CLIPPED.HER.SKIN. Go ahead, lock me away, I've officially become the world's worst mother. I'm NEVER clipping her nails again!

Do you see how rough even the first 24 hours is? It's a wonder anyone continues having kids after that. But we do. Some of us. Some of us are content with one, and to that, I say, more power to ya! No matter how big or small your family is, it's not going to be "easy".

So then they actually send them home with you. Like, no test, no review, nothing. Just, ok, you made it, you keep it. And besides the fact that your hormones are bouncing around like styrofoam balls in a wind tunnel and you're already sleep deprived from the last few months of pregnancy and the night of nurses coming to check on you every few hours, you think, "What a great idea! Let's go home!" But then, if you're anything like me, you get home and panic starts to set it. You start thinking, whoa, I'm not babysitting this kid. This kid is here. Forever. Or at least until she wastes away because I can't figure out how to nurse her. Or I accidentally drown her in the bathtub because I have no clue what I'm doing. Wait, how necessary are baths, do you think? Speaking of baths, I need one. What do I do with her while I take a shower?

Man .. it's just endless, I'm telling you.

But then, then they start growing up. They have their moments of absolute amazement of course. Like when they roll over for the first time (and if you're lucky you knew better than to keep them on a bed or other high surface so when this feat is accomplished they don't roll OFF of something), or when they sit up, say their first word, hold things in their hands and don't instantly smack themselves in the face.. Then a little later with the bigger things. Walking, speaking in full sentences, using crayons, pulling on/off their own clothes. All of these things that you wait for, you long for, you stress to the high heavens about because you just know she should have done this by last Tuesday and she hasn't yet so clearly something is wrong with her. Or she's doing that months before any of the other babies her age so clearly, she's a genius. Duh. Like that was in question. Come on, have you met me?

But amidst the amazing there are struggles. Like the stressing over the milestones. The time your baby feels warm and you watch the thermometer creep up, up, up. Passing 96, 99, 100, 101. Trying to figure out what to do when that thermometer finally alerts you to the fact that your baby has a fever. A fever!! Somehow, my baby is sick. Oh lord, if you make her better I promise I will never again.. (begin to bargain). If you're lucky, you can call your mom or dad in the middle of the night dissolved in tears about this fever. They'll walk you through giving them a luke warm bath to help regulate their body temperature, they'll know the correct dosage or where you should look to find it, for giving them infants Tylenol or Motrin, they'll tell you that you are doing fine and your baby will be fine and you will all get through this. You aren't going to believe them. Clearly you did something wrong if your baby has contracted ebola or whatever godforsaken disease they have that is causing this fever and screaming.
Or the time your toddler does actually fall off of the bed, couch, table that they've somehow managed to scale while you looked away for .09 seconds. Or they smash their fingers in a drawer or a door. Or they "hide" their toys in the oven, the trash can, or the cats litter box.
And the sticking of everything in their mouth - Oh come on!! You're a genius remember? You know not to eat kitty litter!! You know not to try and suck on the tube of butt cream! You're a genius!

And the older they get, the more fun they get, I think. They start carrying on conversations with you. Not very deep or intellectually stimulating conversations, but conversations nevertheless. They begin to discover and learn and absorb more and more about their surroundings. They begin to count, to say their ABCs, learn to write these things down. It's really just all so very incredible.

But at the same time as they're doing this, they learned, somewhere, somehow, inexplicably, to lie. They tell their first lie and it's so obvious to you that they're lying that you can't help but stare at them in wonder. Did you really just expect to get away with that? Did you really just say that? You did, didn't you? Well.. shit. Now what? What do I do? Call them out on it? Try to trap them in it? If you're religious, play the "God knows the truth" card? Ohhh what do I do?!

If they have siblings, it's a whole new ballgame of crazy. The fighting and bickering and arguing about EVERYTHING starts pretty early on. Sibling jealous is definitely a thing. Sibling rivalry is so much more than just "I want that toy, no I had it first, no I did!" But, that's another day.

They eventually get old enough to start showing interest in relationships. Or what they perceive them to be. They think they're in love, they think the world revolves around this person. They get their hearts broken. They have a falling out with their best friend. They try to hide things from you. They want their privacy. It just goes on and on. They grow up. They grow up and while they always need you, they also need their space. They need to grow and learn life lessons without you holding their hand or holding them in your arms while you call your dad at 2am asking what you should do.

My oldest is about to turn 13 and I'm told that the teen years are going to be, by far, the hardest. If they've been anything like the tween years, I believe it. There are some days that we can't even be in the same room with each other for very long. But then, there are also days, that we laugh more and get along better than I have since I was her age and was laughing with my best friend. These are the days that get me through the hard, difficult days.

I don't know how we're going to get through the teen years. But, I know it's going to be hard. If anything, the rest has proven that. Beyond a shadow of a doubt, it's going to be hard.

But it's also going to be amazing and totally worth it.

Wednesday, March 11, 2015

Nail Wraps, Jamberry, and Me

If you're looking for the Jamberry review, scroll down - I marked it for ya.

Anyone that spends any kind of time talking to me or spends any time around me knows how much I love nail wraps. They're so much fun! They're so pretty! They're super easy and even better, the good ones last longer than any quality manicure!

My relationship with nail wraps started with a distant introduction. To Jamberry, in fact. I saw someone post their beautiful manicure/pedicure on Facebook and the designs on the wraps were just phenomenal. I started looking through the website and noticed a few things right off.

  • Tons of designs. Tons!
  • $15 for each sheet of Jams.
  • Easy to navigate website.
  • Several "extras"
So, naturally, I took to the web. What did other people think of Jamberry wraps? What exactly are wraps? How do you get the things off once they're on? What other companies make them? Do I have to order them online or can I get them local? You know, a thorough webvestigation. Here's what I found out.
  • Mixed reviews. The pro-Jamer's seemed to be people that had been using them for a while. Most newbies weren't thrilled with them. They found them difficult to apply, found that they didn't last the stated two weeks before starting to peel up, and/or that they were difficult to remove. My take-away? Like with most things, the more experience you have with them, the better you get at applying them - but do I really want to spend $15/sheet getting the hang of applying them? Are they worth putting the money in to?
  • I discovered that nail wraps were actually developed in the 80's! Did you know that? The 80's!!! They are made from several different materials but most commonly these days they are designs printed on adhesive that you rub directly onto your nail.
  • Most nail wraps can be easily peeled off after having soaked in warm/hot water or polish remover while some need to be taken off like regular polish with remover and a swab.
  • Soooo many other companies make them!
  • You can buy them online and in stores! Depending on the company you're hoping to buy from.
So, I went on a search through my local stores. Wal-Mart, Walgreens, Sally Beauty Supply, Dollar Tree. I found some everywhere! How long had these been here?! They're everywhere!! I picked up several and started giving them a try. What I discovered was that I love Sally Salon Effects (roughly $5-$8). They were most nail polish like. They stayed on without chipping for just under two weeks, they didn't peel up since they were polishy. I liked that a lot. Also, my absolute favorite design comes from Sally. Most of the brands I found that were adhesive based peeled up fairly easily, accidentally usually, and didn't last more than a week without at least one nail having already come up. The Dollar Tree ones ($1) were my second favorite, believe it or not. Since the adhesive nail wraps only lasted a week anyway, why pay more for them? I found more designs that I loved so for shorter wear time, just to get me through an event or few days I go for the Dollar Tree for the fun wraps. The Dollar Tree wraps could last 2 weeks without showing signs of wear on the toes and the Sally wraps up to a month!

--------------->JAMBERRY REVIEW<---------------
Enter Jamberry. A few of my friends and family members began selling the wraps as an at-home business venture type of ordeal. I still couldn't bring myself to spend $15/sheet of wraps. Not until a mommy friend of mine had a Jamberry Online Party. It was a blast!! She held a lot of games and giveaways - you could also request a sample. She made it a lot of fun. I decided to jump in and play some of the games and eventually decided to do a Buy 3 Get 1 Free deal. I was super excited to get my designs!! I received my confirmation email almost immediately after ordering and my shipping email three days later. I received my Jams 6 days after placing my order. Not too shabby! Here's what I ordered:

The only disappointment was the ones on the far right. I was hoping they'd be lighter than they are. They actually appear to be a medium grey. I'm sure I will enjoy them once I put them on but they just aren't calling to me yet.

I placed a second order during another game and only today received my shipping confirmation. I placed the order a full week ago! So I am hoping that I will get them in the mail by Saturday. We'll see. Very disappointed by the time it took to get this order processed and shipped out.

Application. Uuuuggghhhh. While I already didn't love that they were adhesive wraps, I was really hoping for more of a polish type again, I was even more thrown off by the fact that I needed to heat them up before applying. Seemed like too much extra work. But hey, these are super cute, I wanted to give them a go. So, I did. It definitely did take more time than your basic peel-stick-file-and-go. I didn't love that, but hey, roll with it, right? Apply away. Once they were all on I noticed some things.

  • They're super shiny!
  • They're very sticker-esque. I don't love this. 
  • The heating was annoying. I get the general idea behind it but it really does add time to the application process and they don't feel any more secure to my nails than the basic adhesive wraps are. We'll see, though. I'll let you know when they start falling off or when I decide to take them off.
  • Even with the heating, I couldn't get them perfect. I don't seem to have that trouble with other wraps so this was frustrating. I tried not heating them as much, heating them more, nothing seemed to work. It's nothing major, and perhaps it really is just something I need to practice at. We'll see. I have a Jamberry Mini-Heater on the way so I'll use it and see if it somehow makes a difference. 
  • Super, super cute!
Here's how my nails turned out.

Not bad. And super cute for sure! I can definitely get a few applications out of one sheet which is a bonus. For the money, I'd say it's not as bad of a deal as I'd originally felt it was. Again, though, this depends how long they last. We'll see what happens!

If you want to check them out, check out this website - I am also having a Jamazing Online Party through Facebook if you want to check that out. It ends this weekend, so check it out soon!

Wednesday, February 11, 2015

I Would Very Much Like to Whine Right Now

Lately my days feel as though I'm walking through peanut butter. The crunchy kind. Barefoot but with super thick sweatpants on. Imagine that for a moment.

Not super.

Sometimes I wish it were acceptable for me to throw a fit. Just a full on, no holds barred, throw my things around, scream and cry and maybe flop all over the ground kind of tantrum. I suppose, technically, I could. The only downside here is that my dad isn't here to replace whatever I break with his money. So, I'd have to pay for it. That in and of itself is enough to keep me from doing it. That, and the fact that I can't even imagine how terrified my kids would be. Perhaps seeing me flailing about nonsensically would enlighten them as to how ridiculous they appear when they do it? Yeah, I doubt it, too.

Things have just not been going my way. Some pretty major things have happened (maybe one day I'll write about them.. but not today) and it's hard enough to want to get out of bed in the morning but to have to actually smile through the pain and hurt and anger, too? It really feels like the world is just asking too fucking much right now.

Yeah, I know.. we all have our hardships to bear. What would life be without the shitty moments making the stellar ones that much more spectacular?


Maybe I'll lock myself in my bedroom and flip and flop all over my bed for a few minutes until I don't have the energy left to continue. I won't throw anything, except maybe pillows. At the wall so as not to knock anything over.

Maybe I'll go stand in the shower and cry. Oh wait, no, I won't. I don't even recall the last time I took a solo shower. Could you imagine my toddler's horror at seeing her mom break down bawling while taking a shower with her? I suppose I could pass it off as "I got soap in my eye!" but then she wouldn't let me come near her with soap ever again. Eh. The bed flail is sounding better by the minute.

Fake it 'til ya make it.

Push. Smile. Grit your teeth. Smile some more. What's that meme I reposted on my Facebook say?

"Yeah, I'm hurting. But on goes the mascara and lip gloss. That's right, I'll be the prettiest fucking wreck you've ever seen."

Tuesday, January 20, 2015

Today I Swung High on a Swing

The weather is once again quite beautiful. It's not too cold, not too warm, but it is, unfortunately, a bit too windy. For Haevyn. Not me. She's such a wimp. Ok, she's only two, she gets a wimp-pass. Aside from this being winter and the temperatures reaching 60 and 70 degrees lately, the wind has just been ridiculous. It seems to be the only thing that realizes it's supposed to be cold. It's the only indicator that this is not, in fact, Spring or early Summer just yet.

On this beautiful day, like we often do, we went to the park. The same park. In the same neighborhood. We even walked the same path we usually do. Out the door, to the left, around the bend, to the right, to the left, across the field. Park. Shoot me. This is so boring. I love parks. I love taking my kids to the park. But there is just nothing fun about this park. Teenagers come here to have sex, drink, smoke pot and write crudities on everything their markers can reach. I do not care that Dank was here, nor do I care that Vibe is going to kill Dank because Dank loves Dink. I mean, ok, first off, Dank, Vibe, and Dink? At least come up with better nicknames. Give me some quality reading material. You know, like when I was in school.. "Sarah K. likes it in the butt! Call her! 555-4525" or "Jeremy M. is a FUCKING PLAYER! Don't go out with him! Unless you want HERPES!" You know.. this is useful information. Sarah K. and Jeremy M. may not have appreciated being the subject of the stall wallversation, but alas.. 
Anyhow, back on point. I just do not care for this park at all. Haevyn is too little to walk to the next nearest park which is exactly one half mile away from our house. She tires out and then I have to carry her and whatever stuffed or plastic toys she decided to bring with us on our venture. She refuses to ride in the stroller now that she's a "big girl" and I refuse to waste the gas to drive us one half mile away.

So, this park. It has a decent size field for all of the billions of burdock stickers that attack you as you walk through it. It's great for kids that coaches hate that need to practice soccer, baseball, football, etc. We don't actually need to keep these kids from bleeding anyway, right? This field is massive. Full of stickers and gopher holes. Haevyn thinks it's hysterical to jump on these piles of dirt that have been dug up. It's cute, but one can only stand around watching this bizarre game of hopscotch for so long. There's a building in the center of this huge field that resembles what can only be described as a pedophile shack. To the best of my knowledge, having never let my children explore said building, it's supposed to be some sort of restroom. I think I'd prefer outhouses to this creeper looking building. Once you make it to the actual playground, it's full of mulch. Not uncommon around here, but still pretty gross considering all of the sticker plants sprouting everywhere. So now you've got mulch that sticks to clothing as well as the stickers and littles that can't maintain balance falling down and getting things caught in their precious chubby hands. It's a disaster. The play equipment isn't too shabby. It's one of those all-plastic-jobs that was made to be a type of playground/obstacle course/exercise combo. The smaller kids can play on the lower levels and slide down the shorter slides while the bigger kids (or, the toddlers that think they're bigger, like mine) can climb to the tops of things and slide or propel down bars/chains, go down swirly slides or tunnel slides, etc. There are also swings.

This brings me to the point of the post today. The swings. I'm bored out of my skull watching Haevyn take the same path she always takes when we come here. Every now and then she'll change something up and I get excited until I realize this in no way effects anything I get to do. It was so much more fun when she was teeny tiny and I could lead her up and around and slide down and catch her as she jumped off of things and pick the stickers out of her pants and hands.. But since she's gone off and turned 2 she doesn't need mommy doing these things for her any longer. So mommy is instructed to stand back and watch. So, I do. I stand back and watch. Often taking pictures, you can never have too many pictures of your kids. Even if it is the 495823rd picture of her going down the slide. Sometimes I will wander around hoping to find some sign of intelligence from the teens that write on everything. Sometimes I will count the number of tiny alcohol bottles or cigarette butts or whatever else I come across, kicking them into a pile on the far side of the playground hoping that whoever is in charge of maintaining the place will think to put a trash can nearby eventually. Every now and then I'll come across something just so fascinating I have to break out the phone to snap a picture of it as well. This doesn't happen often, but every now and then..

So, the swings. Sorry, I am easily distracted today, it would seem.

Today I decided I did not want to stand around bored. So I plopped down into a swing. Ow. My ass is not swing-material. It squeezed my hips and thighs and I felt like my butt cheeks were making some comical overflow image behind/under me. But I didn't care. I kicked my feet. I remembered the "kick out and lean back, lean forward and kick in" and began to remember back to grade school when we would see who could go the highest. Now, this was a challenge today because I weigh significantly more these days than I did when I was in grade school. I decided to risk it. The worst thing that was going to happen was I'd end up falling on my ass and having to pick out stickers. I put my faith in the construction of the swing set and kicked my legs. Higher, and higher, and higher. Leaning back. Feeling a bit nauseous. Then a little sea sick. Then it went away and I started watching my feet. I watched as my feet went higher than the slides, then higher than the entire playground equipment. This is where things got interesting.. I decided to take a picture. To remember today as one of the happy times. Trying to take a picture of your own feet while you're swinging fairly high in a swing is difficult. I implore you to try. But I did it. 

Oh yes. I did. I actually took a few. Some facing this way, some turned around facing the other direction. This way just looks so much cooler. So I swung in the swing until I felt as though the swing and my ass were going to fuse as one. I leapt up and out of the swing praying that my ass wouldn't catch the rubber and cause me to flail about until I landed face first into the painful mulch. But, I didn't. I stuck it. I smiled and looked around, watching Haevyn still going up and down the same way she always does. She didn't even notice that I'd just had a moment. That I'd enjoyed being here. That the boredom had flown the coop and childish enjoyment had taken over. She didn't notice. Nor would she have cared. She gets immense amounts of enjoyment doing what she does already.

The wind was still blowing cold, her nose was starting to run and my booty was too sore to plop back into a swing so we decided to walk back home.

Maybe tomorrow I'll squeeze my ass down a slide. We'll see.

Thursday, January 15, 2015

Happiness - That's the Goal

Life, man. Life is crazy.

One minute you feel as though you're on top of the world, the next minute you feel as though you're the only thing keeping it up.

We lose people we love and have to deal with people we can't stand.
We have to go to school and to work and deal with stresses and pressures associated with them.
We come home and, once again, have to deal with stresses and pressures associated with being there.

We meet the most spectacular people. Usually they don't realize how amazing they are.
We learn new things and explore new places. We grow. We learn to appreciate things. We learn respect.
We love. Sometimes so deeply and so passionately that everything and everyone else ceases to exist for a little while. We care. We help. We strive to do better.

There are always two sides. Sometimes, unfortunately, both sides are complete shit. But other times..ah, other times one of the sides, if you're lucky, will make you realize why the other side is worth it. Worth dealing with the shit. Worth dealing with the pain, the stress, the pressure, the awfulness that can come from humanity. Sometimes, that other side will be so bright and shiny that it will encompass you in comfort and safety and you will understand. You will understand that there are always two sides, and if you wait, if you trudge through, if you don't quit, you will find the shiny side. The side that makes it all worth it.

So much good comes out of life. But with that, so much bad. So much ugliness, bitterness, hatred and disgust. It's easy to hang on to the bad stuff. It's easy to see it, feel it, remember it and hold it as a grudge against other people. It gives us a shield that we can put up to protect us from any more bad getting in. The only problem with that shield is that it keeps the good out, too.

So let it go. (Do NOT break into song right now.) Let go of the bad stuff and remember something good. Hold on to that. Tomorrow, remember something else that was good. Hold on to that, too. Make it a habit to remember and hold on to the good things in life. That way, when more good things happen, you will know how remarkable it will be to have that in your life.

Be the reason that someone smiles today. Be the reason that someone has something good to hold on to.

Be someone's bright and shiny side. Be someone's happy.

I dare you.

Wednesday, January 7, 2015

2015, already?

Well... it happened again. The earth revolved another full turn and here we are again. January. Another New Year. Another year for people to set impossible expectations of themselves and others. Another year to feel guilty in February for those expectations not being met. Or, ok, maybe March for some of you real go-getters. Some people, I've heard (this could be a pile of bullshit as I've never actually known it to happen, but hey, I won't call anyone a liar without proof) make it all the way to the summer months. Those are people with real determination. Real dedication. People that are exactly not like me.

My resolution this year is to screw the resolutions. If I decide there's some goal or accomplishment I'd like to aim for, I will. But not because it's January. Not because it's a "New Year" and therefore time for a "New Me". What a bunch of shit. Maybe I won't feel motivated to lose 20 pounds until July. What then? I can't be a "new me" then? What if I don't decide to start organizing until November? Ok, admittedly, that would just be a stupid move on my part. Organizing right before the holidays? Eh....

2015. Two-Thousand-Fifteen. Two. Thousand. Fifteen.

I'm going to turn 30 this year.
Mehkaelie is going to be 13.
Cole is going to be 10.
Haevyn is going to be 3.
My dad is going to be 60.

This is a pretty big year. Alright, I know, 3 isn't actually a milestone number like the rest are, but I couldn't leave her out. 3's still a big deal!

A week into the year and I already want to go ahead and rewind back to 2014. Hell, while I have the wishing remote, let's go ahead and go back further. Let's go back to 1994. My biggest responsibility then was to walk to school every morning, and then home every evening. I lived right next to the school so this wasn't all that difficult a task to manage.

I had a best friend. Boys were not on my radar yet. I didn't even know there was such a thing as fashion. My dad made sure the bills were paid, the car had gas, the clothes were clean, the beds were made, the dishes were done, etc. All I had to do was exist. To be there. Thanks, dad.

Now, however, life is not like that. Life is not simple. Ever. Bills need paid with money that doesn't exist yet (or anymore), cars need gas, that take that non-existent money, laundry has to be done and guess who has to do it? (Shit. I just realized I used a hand towel to dry off with yesterday because all of the towels were dirty. If I want to dry off after a shower today I'm going to need to go start a load..) Beds around here are rarely made, because, psh. I'm not doing it. Dishes still need to get done and again, guess who? But my kids.. My kids just need to exist. They just need to show up. If I can be half the parent my dad was for me, they're going to look back the year that they turn 30 and think, wow. Thanks, mom.

So, 2015. I'm starting this year out with a broken heart, a fractured soul, no sense of direction, bills that need paid and a car that needs gas (and a transmission that needs fixed, a tire that needs replaced and a window that needs a new motor) among all of the other adulty type things that life has to offer and this year is not looking all too appealing to me yet. Oh well. I'll wait until February to have a meltdown. Maybe March. Or, perhaps, I'll try out the determined thing and give it until the summer months...