Lately my days feel as though I'm walking through peanut butter. The crunchy kind. Barefoot but with super thick sweatpants on. Imagine that for a moment.
Sometimes I wish it were acceptable for me to throw a fit. Just a full on, no holds barred, throw my things around, scream and cry and maybe flop all over the ground kind of tantrum. I suppose, technically, I could. The only downside here is that my dad isn't here to replace whatever I break with his money. So, I'd have to pay for it. That in and of itself is enough to keep me from doing it. That, and the fact that I can't even imagine how terrified my kids would be. Perhaps seeing me flailing about nonsensically would enlighten them as to how ridiculous they appear when they do it? Yeah, I doubt it, too.
Things have just not been going my way. Some pretty major things have happened (maybe one day I'll write about them.. but not today) and it's hard enough to want to get out of bed in the morning but to have to actually smile through the pain and hurt and anger, too? It really feels like the world is just asking too fucking much right now.
Yeah, I know.. we all have our hardships to bear. What would life be without the shitty moments making the stellar ones that much more spectacular?
Maybe I'll lock myself in my bedroom and flip and flop all over my bed for a few minutes until I don't have the energy left to continue. I won't throw anything, except maybe pillows. At the wall so as not to knock anything over.
Maybe I'll go stand in the shower and cry. Oh wait, no, I won't. I don't even recall the last time I took a solo shower. Could you imagine my toddler's horror at seeing her mom break down bawling while taking a shower with her? I suppose I could pass it off as "I got soap in my eye!" but then she wouldn't let me come near her with soap ever again. Eh. The bed flail is sounding better by the minute.
Fake it 'til ya make it.
Push. Smile. Grit your teeth. Smile some more. What's that meme I reposted on my Facebook say?