Tuesday, September 22, 2015

3 is the lucky number, right?

Here we are. Day 3. Things don't feel as awful today. In fact, I painted my toenails today. Bright pink. I also got out of the house and walked to the park. That was a little difficult, I'll admit, but I managed.

I keep having dreams about you. I wish that would stop. It makes the first few moments in the mornings feel like I'm in a free fall. But, I gather myself, fight with the overwhelming feeling of exhaustion from trying not to sleep, to keep the dreams at bay, and I get up.

I'm definitely angry today. And surprisingly, not just at you. I'm angry with myself as well. But I know this will pass. This will pass and I'll move on to the next stage of grief. Unfortunately, I think I'm mixing my grief. I am still dealing with the denial part for sure. I keep telling myself this can't really be happening. Did you really give up? Are you really not showing up at my door with lilies, or pad thai maybe, begging me to forgive you? Are you really not wanting to tell me how badly you screwed up? But, no. You're not. And I need to stop wishing for it. I need to stop dreaming about it. I need to stop thinking it's coming. Denial. Let it go. And now anger. I'm so mad about the situation. I'm so hurt and so annoyed and so just.. Fuck you. While still thinking maybe you still want me too. Yep, I'm a mess. The depression part however..that's the worst. Naturally. I either want to eat everything in reach or starve because I don't want to move.

So yeah. This is happening. But I am dealing. Not great, but I am. And today I feel like tomorrow isn't impossible. I know I've got a ways to go, but, I also know I'll get there.

As long as I stop dreaming. That's just cruel.

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