Under normal circumstances, I would say that having a meltdown in your front yard is really just not the thing to do. However, the circumstances being what they are, perhaps an exception can be made.
I'm not really sure what happened.. Much like the smile the other day, something just came over me. I needed to know if he still thought about me. It was an overwhelming feeling. I can't explain better than that. I just absolutely had to know just how forgotten I'd become. So, I messaged him. Ugh. Mistake. I knew it the moment I hit send. I knew it after 5 minutes without a reply. If he thought of me and wanted to talk, he'd have contacted me... and then something inside of me just exploded. Every feeling I've been trying to refrain from feeling, every emotion I've been trying to hide just came bursting out of me like a hydrant that someone backed over.
I began crying and then full on sobbing and then racing out my front door because it felt like all the oxygen in the house was gone. I cried so hard I couldn't breathe again. I started talking to myself. Telling myself I was going to be ok. Telling myself to stop. Trying whatever I could to just make it stop pouring out of me. But nothing worked. I stared up into the sky, watching the moon and the few clouds. Watching an airplane here and there. And just feeling. Feeling all of it. Everything. All at once.
It fucking sucked.
Since it wasn't stopping I decided to cover my ears. Why? I have no damn idea. I just did. Then all I heard were my sobs, louder, my breathing, louder, my runny nose, louder. All of it just thundered in my head. I started counting. Why? Again...no clue. But I kept going. Up to 180. Then, it just...stopped. My breathing was still hitchy but the tears slowed and then just stopped. I blew my nose and wiped my face, caught my breath and tried to discern exactly what had just happened here.
I had just had a legitimate meltdown. An actual, out of control, nothing could stop it, full on, meltdown. I'm honestly not sure when the last time was that that had happened. I mean, usually what I think of as a meltdown was nothing compared to this. This feeling of absolute disarray of my faculties. I will definitely not claim to have had a meltdown from now on though. Not after that. Whoa.
He never did reply. But I think it's for the best. I don't need to know if he still thinks about me. Maybe he does, and maybe it hurts. Or maybe he's already past it and I'm just another thing that happened in his life. I don't know. But one day he will think of me. And he will smile. And one day I will think of him, and I will smile. Because regardless of the pain now, love like that is worth remembering. It's worth smiling about.
And I know it won't always hurt like this. And I know I will eventually be OK. But, in the meantime, no more meltdowns, please. I'm not sure I can do that again and come out relatively unscathed.